Malaise
I remember exactly how I was feeling when I wrote this
This article is from the original Chicano in Paris recently moved here to its new home.
Anyone else feel that malaise?
Last night I went to bed early (for me) and on my way to the bedroom I clicked on Apple News and saw that story about the FSU shooting, then the story about Juan Carlos Gomez-Lopez. That was all it took for me to lose the sleepy feeling and lay there, eyes wide open, filled with dread and contempt.
Eventually I did fall asleep, but when I woke this morning I felt that too familiar knot in my stomach.
And now I am sitting here one hour away from taking a WhatsApp call from a woman looking to escape the United States who would like to pick my brain about how we did it. That’s what America has become: a place to escape from for the marginalized masses singled out by the current administration. I fucking hate it.
Of course I will help anyone I can. It’s the bare minimum I can do.
But I keep thinking about conversations - actually, a singular conversation - I have had with my wife. First some background for those who are reading this with zero knowledge of our background. I am a veteran - one term, multiple deployments to the Middle East and Bosnia. She is a twenty-six year retiree with more deployments than I can count. Service to country is something we both take very seriously and our oath to the Constitution is… was… once upon a time it mattered above all else.
That conversation over a meal at one of our new favorite local places was about whether or not it would be worth going back to the US and fighting. We swore an oath after all.
Fight for what? For a country that has shown us the back of its hand? A country that is full of liars who drone on about ‘support our troops’ voting for a guy who has consistently shit all over anyone who serves? A country that decided a woman does not have any right to control her own body? A country that elected a man who stands against everything we swore to defend?
It would be one thing if he took control by force. It is another thing entirely for a country to watch him try to do that, fail, then not only not hold him accountable, but then vote him back into power.
Nah, that is not a country worth fighting for. One spends a lifetime fighting for a country that won’t fight for them and suddenly there is a moment when, well, one just decides they are done.
So yeah, every time I read the news it’s like reading about someone you once loved - an ex you thought was the one, a brother you grew up with, a parent who raised you better than that - succumbing to their worst instincts. Anyone who has ever been in a toxic relationship can tell you about the time they realized it was time to walk away. They may not, however, mention that when they see the painful behavior continue it still hurts. Sure, there is relief that they made the decision to leave, but… love doesn’t just stop. Seeing someone you once loved continue to hurt themselves is a sort phantom pain like a missing limb, or, more appropriately, a piece of your heart that’s been broken off.
And the grief is ever evolving.
I am tired. I am emotionally spent. Every single day there is some new bullshit that man and his supporters are putting the world through. The worst of us is on display constantly and that is either numbing you or killing your spirit.
But really, I think I just need to stop reading the news before bed.
https://edition.cnn.com/2025/04/17/us/florida-state-university-shooting-phoenix-ikner-invs/index.html
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/latino/us-born-citizen-detained-ice-immigration-florida-rcna201800
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